When we are children we are codependent with our caregivers due to survival, then after time goes by we look up to them for approval. When we are codependent as adults we are unconsciously seeking validation love and approval. Sometimes the approval we seek often comes to the lack thereof during our childhood development. So when we are focused on what can I do for someone else and are constantly seeking for that “seal of approval” of the outside world instead of asking ourselves how are we feeling or what do we need first. That is definitely a sign of codependency. In order to help or assist other people including your own children (which obviously when infants they are are going to need you to survive) you have to be able to have an inner dialogue about your needs and place the appropriate boundaries that you require in order to function as a healthy human being.
What I mean by that is that you need to be able to fill yourself up inside. We have been taught that we need the outside world to “approve” and give us the happiness and love we don’t give ourselves. We are asking our partners, family, friendships to give us the love and approval we don’t actually receive from us. This happens because we weren’t given the emotional resources we needed as children by our parents. And you know what’s interesting about all of this? We can’t even blame them. They didn’t know! They were taught the same programming by their parents and their parents from their parents without really questioning what were they teaching their own family. Meaning, they weren’t conscious. By the way that doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t validate what you feel (anger, sadness etc) but rather after processing the emotions you feel you are going to be able to see your parents as the same wounded child that you are.
One of the reasons we feel stuck in this codependent loop is the lack of self confidence, self love, self esteem and of course the big one “fear”. Fear that we will not be able to be accepted as our most authentic self, fear of abandonment because we don’t feel that we are good enough which comes back to self esteem. What if I am not good enough, what if they don’t like me, what if they see how flawed I am. Those are some of the fears involved and let me tell you some breaking news maybe you haven’t noticed. We are all different and there’s no such thing as the perfect life. There are billions and billions of people in the planet and the only love, validation and seal of approval you need is the one you give yourself!! I am no saying that you can’t share your life with a partner of course not we all want connection at some level. What I am saying is that you don’t “need” someone to fill you up. Because you are indeed already full. It's all about sharing not needing. Sharing your life, experiences with others that love and respect you just as you are.
So let's recap, codependency is a collection of lies I mean beliefs created in our child development stages. These subconscious thoughts basically state that in order to get love or approval I have to give, give and give. I have to worry about everyone else and never bother to worry about myself. And if I do set boundaries or ask what I want people are going to leave me or abandon me. In a few words “fear” of abandonment, unworthiness, not being good enough etc.
So how do I get rid of this codependency? I think the first step is to acknowledge that you have this behavior called codependency. The second step is to start this inner dialogue about defining who you are as an individual and to recognize that you are capable of providing love, attention and happiness to yourself. The third step Is to take responsibility for your own life. “My happiness is my responsibility” “I am more than capable of filling my own cup”. “It's my responsibility to validate my own emotions and to have these boundaries that define who I am as a person”. And of course repetition of these new healthy beliefs.
So remember It’s not the world’s job to fill your cup. Your happiness its your responsibility! You are not a victim and you certainly have the power to change your world by changing your own beliefs. So now that you know are you going to live the amazing life you deserve? I hope you do!
YOU HAVE THE POWER!!